Sulekha...the story ...
Sulekha left us a few days ago,...but I still feel her existence in every fibre of this house...in every nook and corner...her erratic breathing...her round-the-year cold ,...her sweet occasional laughter...I miss her like anything! And I would probably do anything to get her back....but she's lost...lost to the other world...
No she's not dead. Indeed she's probably more healthy than ever ,now,more beautiful than all those whiles when I used to envy her pretty face. I used to envy her....
But deep down,we all know envy comes from admiration,...her brains,her beauty,her everything....she was this perfect girl.And when mom would praise her,even pull her cheeks,a habit mom had mastered very well,and which I resented at all times,...even I ,MOI,would fume go green with envy,and if she continued, further would proabably have had been too happy to have my cheeks pulled all day,even at the cost of having my pimples popped in the process !
I feel ashamed.
She was the only one ,who knew when I first fell in love,I would talk on the phone,oblivious of her,and she would cast me a wise look....like "dont think I dont know what you're on about" and I would ignore her,at least pretend to,and then burn beet-red that she knew my SECRET! Oh no!
When younger ,when she came into my room,when I was asleep,I would peep ,a half-open eye,and spy on her,she would never look at my clothes,...she used to look wistfully ,at my barbies,and I would go yellow, with excitement,...what next,...she would brush a hand over my Rapunzel's long hair, twirl a finger through my Fashionella's purse, ...and that was it , I would be so disappointed...that I didn't have any excuse to complain to Mom.
There was a Deo-spray in the downstair bathroom ,which I never used.
It would probably have rotten there.Except She used it,and not knowing how,as it was,---a special sort from America,..I doubt I knew myself how to,might explain why I never DID use it!---,and she had messed up and wound up applying it on her whole body,so that she smelled like hydrogen sulphide .I did complain to Mom.She couldnt do anything about it.But I accomplished my goal. I had made a bad impression about her in Mom's mind.
When I broke a cup,it was blamed on her.... whereas ...I broke it....
When the lipstick went missing,the foundation kit was broken,it was her name on everyone's mind...later it was found somewhere in the bottom of mom's purse...
When the phone bill went high,it was her calls that everyone would look into....when that month was the month, we had been spending huge time talking on phone,cuz,of our newly healed relationship with Uttam Mama!
And when Mom's worst enemy,her mother-in-law came,the source of all politics was granma,and the key,was Her. Her.Her.Her.
And then she left. Now there's a rumour going around,that she's a prostitute.Some say,she was lured into it.Some say she went into the business of her own accord.And either way,she's earning it big...after all with beauty like hers...why shouldnt she?...the beauty I envied...the beauty I created a monster of...the beauty I destroyed....
I still feel her in every corner of this house. Her calm acceptance of Fate.
Of everyone blaming her,...how she stayed silent even though she knew it when she was being blamed for something I did , I!
I created a monster. But I know I'm not alone.
There are many monsters out there,like myself,...making monsters ...but staying undercover like the angels...who "care"... I was 11 then,..,but I know some things reflect your true nature no matter what!
And ,it reflected the true envious,rotten mind i had....
I could curse myself all day long,till time ended, ad infinitum. I could try to ammend my mistakes,by trying to better myself. I am trying. Trust me.
And at times,I even wonder why any boy would even like me,leave alone love me,why Anwesha still calls me her best friend,...Me..the narrow-minded teenager I was...maybe still am...I never know...No one is consciously narrow-minded!
But the damage is all done. Sulekha's life is ruined.And I am willing to take credit for the great deed. But her road has met an end with us...no more green,red,yellow,lights for me, or for anyone.She's gone. Gone where they all go. And when it comes down to it. She had no flaw. She was perfect. Smarter,prettier ,more thoughtful than any girls in my whole year put together!
She was ethical,she was honest,she was a good friend.
Then why her? Why not me?
I deserved her fate more than her!
And as much as a coward as I am, at least in this case,I do admit,I deserve her fate a full 100% !
But she's gone,and so are the lights ,its dark, suffocating...and all I can do is regret....all I can do is ....REGRET!